Bruce Junior was at school one morning in
the outback
Bruce Junior was at school one morning in the outback and the teacher asked
all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came out: fireman, policeman, dunny salesman, chippy, Captain of
Industry, bush pilot, etc., but Bruce Junior was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a very popular gay nightclub in Brisbane,
and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, have a few
schooners or midis, eat a few pies with sauce, rent a cheap hotel room and
let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Bruce
Junior aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Bruce Junior "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
Paddy on Millionaire (14/9/05)
Paddy's
going well on who wants to be a millionaire, he's got to £500,000.
Chris
Tarrant asks him the big question for the million.
Paddy for a million pounds who was the great train
robber? Was it -
a) Ronnie Barker
b) Ronnie O'Sullivan
c) Ronnie Corbett or was it
d) Ronnie Biggs
Paddy says ‘oil take the money please Chris!’
’Are you sure?’ Says Chris ‘remember you still have
3 lifeline's left’.
’No, oil take de money, that’s my foinal answer’
says Paddy.
’OK’ says Chris, looking bemused, ‘give him a round
of applause, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However before you go you'll
obviously want to know the answer’.
Paddy said ‘no yer alroight, oi know de answer
anyway Chris’.
’You knew it anyway, are you mad?’ asks Chris ‘are
you mental?’
’Oi might be mental Chris but
oi'm no grass!’
A couple attending an art exhibition (10/9/05)
A couple attending an art exhibition in the National Art Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted
three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the black
men had black ‘todgers’ while the one sitting in the middle had a pink ‘todger’!
The curator of the gallery realised that the couple were having trouble
interpreting the painting and went over to help. He went on, and on, for
nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
Afro-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. He went on to
say that in fact some serious critics believed the pink ‘todger’ reflects
the cultural and social oppression experienced by gay men in a contemporary
society!
After the curator left a Scotsman approached the couple and said “Would you
like to know what that painting is really all about?”
The couple said “How would you claim to know more about that painting than
the curator of the gallery”.
The Scotsman said “it’s because I’m the guy that painted it! In fact there
is no African – American representation at all. They’re just three Scottish
coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch!”
Trainee Zoo Keeper (8/8/05)
His
first job is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he is doing this, a
large sturgeon clamps its mouth around his ankle and does not let go. To
stop the sturgeon doing this he beats the fish to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won’t be best pleased, the keeper disposes of the
fish by feeding it to the lions, as the lions will eat anything.
Moving
on to the second task of clearing out the Chimp house, the keeper is
attacked by the older chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
older chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to
the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything so he hurls the
corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves
on to his last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade again
and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do, and throws them
into the lions cage because the lions will eat anything.
Later
that same day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?" The other lion says: "Absolutely
brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
A
general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly (24/6/05)
A
general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick
up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it
down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have
the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the
soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier
picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
A Jack Russell went to the post office (17/6/05)
A Jack Russell
went to the post
office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine
words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog replied, "Don't be stupid, that would make no sense at all!”
Sherlock Holmes (10/6/05)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and
a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at
the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars,
Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders
for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small
and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has
stolen our tent!"
This woman rushed to see her doctor(07/05/05)
This
woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung
out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and
frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and
bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with
me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly
says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight...."
A doctor says to his patient(17/4/05)
A
doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear,
what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have
24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news
possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you
since yesterday'
A woman gets on a bus (7/4/05)
A
woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest
baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and
sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "That driver just insulted
me!"
The
man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go on, I'll look after
the monkey for you”.
A man and a friend are playing golf
(28/3/05)
A
man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of
the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for
35 years."
When NASA (28/3/05)
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used
a pencil.
Two
Weasels (19/3/05)
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult
the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as
everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again
yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're
drunk."
A
Turtle was walking (12/3/05)
A turtle was walking down an alley in
New York when a gang of snails mugged him. A police detective came to
investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The
turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
"I don't know, it all happened so fast."
The Queen and Dolly Parton (25/02/05)
Sadly both 'our'
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton pass away on the same day and they find
themselves in front of the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, there is only one
space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them is allowed into
Heaven.
The Angel asks
Dolly if there's a particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Struggling
to think of a good reason she then loosens her top and says. "Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will
please him to be reminded of them for eternity".
The Angel thanks
Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a
bottle of Perrier water out of her purse, shakes it up, takes a mouthful and
then proceeds to gargle for a bit. The Queen then spits the water down the
toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go
in".
Not surprisingly
Dolly Parton is outraged and asks "What’s that all about then? I show you
two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. The Queen simply
gargles a bit and she gets in. How do you explain that one to me?"
"Sorry Dolly"
says the Angel "Even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how
big they are!
Letter from a Farm Kid - Now at ‘San Diego Marine Corps Recruit’
(19/02/05)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got
to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay, practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so
bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then
the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat the sergeant is like a school teacher. He
nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt
and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is
lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel
(12/02/05)
A woman goes
into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't
know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark
sunglasses.
She says,
"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says,
"Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this
week for £44."
She says,
"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on
the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa
card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally
breaks wind.
At first she
is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had
farted.
The man rings
up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally
confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How
did you get to £58.50?"
He replies,
"Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the
Fish Bait is £3.50."
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