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Jokes

Something to cheer you up in the dark months of winter while hopefully not offending too many of you.........

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went down to the boat.

A woman came home screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Hello Luv, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLC to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know him, he's my brother!"

A Scotsman goes into a Dentist and says  “I have a major filling that needs doing, how much please?”
Dentist “Och aye, that’ll be just £80”.
“That’s a bit expensive, can you offer a discount if you don’t use anaesthetic?”
“Yes I can but it’ll be awful painful but that will only be £40”.
“Never mind that, and can you give me a discount if you use your apprentice dental technician?”
“Yes but it will hurt even more….but I’ll only charge you £20”.
“And what if I allow the rest of your staff to observe the operation?”
“That would be very useful training, OK that’s £5 all in…now can we agree an appointment?”
“Yes, I’d like to book my wife in for next Tuesday please!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the harbour, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes the harbour master. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the fisheries bloke. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
The fisheries bloke quickly said "Have a nice day ma'am," and left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The English Manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The Manager liked the New Zealander so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the Manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The kiwi lad said "One."
The Manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"£101,237.64."
The Manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he would need decent boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The Manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no no no no nooooooo...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said...Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of the 20 foot shark!
 The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man. At that exact moment a speedboat with three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon, killing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water.  They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat as they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen on the Yacht.
'Well done, bravo, marvellous, what courage and English too, I am so proud of you, I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England football team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that you are true heroes and model sportsmen.'
She knighted them all and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others 'Who is that?'
"That,' Beckham answered, 'is our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country.'
'Well' Rooney replied 'she knows bugger all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?'

7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."

A couple had been happily married for years the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every night before he fell asleep and again every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

She would plead with him to stop ripping off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out, to which, he would only laugh.

The years went by and he continued to blast away! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She warmed the innards just enough to take off the chill, then took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

"Honey, you were right”, he said, “after all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. God, I feel terrible."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife, biting her lip.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened."
"Oh No!" his wife his wife exclaimed, doing her best to hold back the laughter, "are you okay honey?"
"Yea, I'm a little uncomfortable," he said with a moan, "but by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in!"

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming but every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it, you aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single, just let it go.."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.....Dave.............you're a vet

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

 

''Apple Computer announcement' - today Apple has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers” became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.  This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

A typical English 20 something having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned, "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

>>>>>>

"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?”

No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher!

Three men were sitting together bragging how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania.  He bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the washing up, laundry, dusting and cleaning the house.  He said that this would take a couple of days.  On the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.  The laundry too had been done.

The second man had married a woman from Korea.  He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, washing up and the cooking.  He told them that the first day he did not see any results, but the next day was better.  By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table

The third man married a girl from Britain.  He boasted that he told his wife that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said on the first day he did not see anything, the second day he still did not see anything, but the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee.
"I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!".....................................................

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back,
"Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut-up and let me play my second shot?!"

He had been dating his wonderful girlfriend for over a year, and decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering him...It was her beautiful younger sister.  His future sister-in-law was just twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and never a bra. She would regularly bend down when she was near him, and he always got more than a generous view of her cleavage. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. 

One day his fiancé's "little" sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered that she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn't overcome. She told said she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." 

He was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. He opened the door, and headed straight towards the car. Lo and behold, her entire family was standing outside, and when he appeared they all started clapping!
With tears in his eyes, the future father-in-law hugged him and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story?       ……………….      Always keep your condoms in your car!

A cabbie picks up a Nun, she gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First you must be single and second, you must be Catholic. "The cab driver is very excited and says "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are so upset?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are ‘The Seven Dwarfs’ they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"  Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.  Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, Are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey slept with a penguin! Dopey slept with a penguin"

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis after a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital.

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks,’ So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma’.

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