Something to cheer
you up in the dark months of winter while hopefully not offending too many
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went down to the boat.
woman came home screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Hello Luv,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What
should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said.
"Just get out."
Polish immigrant went to the DVLC to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know him, he's my brother!"
Scotsman goes into a Dentist and says “I have a major filling that needs doing, how much please?”
Dentist “Och aye, that’ll be just £80”.
“That’s a bit expensive, can you offer a discount if you don’t use
I can but it’ll be awful painful but that will only be £40”.
“Never mind that, and can you give me a discount if you use your apprentice
but it will hurt even more….but I’ll only charge you £20”.
what if I allow the rest of your staff to observe the operation?”
“That would be very useful training, OK that’s £5 all in…now can we agree an
“Yes, I’d like to book my wife in for next Tuesday please!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the harbour, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
Along comes the harbour master. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in
a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
"But I haven't even touched you," says the fisheries bloke. "That's true,
but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
The fisheries bloke quickly said "Have a nice day ma'am," and left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
A young Kiwi lad moved to
London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The English Manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The Manager liked the New Zealander so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the Manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"
The kiwi lad said "One."
The Manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The Manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down the coast, so I told him he would need decent boat. So we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The Manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
no no no no no nooooooo...he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
girlfriend and I said...Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a
man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large
shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of the 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man. At that exact moment a speedboat with three men wearing white tops sped
into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon, killing
it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat as
they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen on the Yacht.
'Well done, bravo, marvellous, what courage and English too, I am so proud
of you, I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England football team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that
you are true heroes and model sportsmen.'
She knighted them all and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others 'Who is that?'
"That,' Beckham answered, 'is our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country.'
'Well' Rooney replied 'she knows bugger all about shark fishing. How's the
bait holding up?'
7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
"Oh, shit mum,
I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran
upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."
A couple had been happily married for years
the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every night before he fell asleep and again every morning when he
awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
She would plead with him to stop ripping off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told
him to see a doctor; as she was concerned that one day he would blow his
guts out, to which, he would only laugh.
The years went by and he continued to blast away! Then one Christmas morning
as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep,
she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She warmed the innards just enough to take off the chill, then took the bowl
and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back
the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her
husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror
on his face.
"Honey, you were right”, he said, “after all these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you. God, I feel terrible."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife, biting her lip.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out
and today it finally happened."
"Oh No!" his wife his wife exclaimed, doing her best to hold back the
laughter, "are you okay honey?"
"Yea, I'm a little uncomfortable," he said with a moan, "but by the grace of
God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in!"
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and
sense of betrayal was overwhelming but every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it, you
aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients
and you won't be the last. And you're single, just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering.....Dave.............you're a vet
Paddy was driving down the street
in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he
said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
"Never mind. I found one."
This is a
bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the
Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true
story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When
I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident
report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen
my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty
barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken
I hope this answers your inquiry.
''Apple Computer announcement' - today Apple has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three
beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers,
which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.An hour later, the man has
finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening
the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon
the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."
Finally, a week
later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't
mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three
"Tis odd, isn't
it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to
America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would
always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the
The bartender and
the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders
Three Beers” became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village,
even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the
man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a
heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders
only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul
of one of the brothers.
The next day, the
bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to
offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two
beers and all...."
The man ponders
this for a moment, then replies "You'll be happy to hear that my two
brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give
up drinking for Lent.
typical English 20 something having split from his latest girlfriend,
decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship
sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about
four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman
he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise
notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on
the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was
no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that
for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is
stunned, "Let's row
over to my place," she says.
After a few
minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to
shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to
an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only
stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk
into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit
down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank
you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut
juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How
would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the
man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There
is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet,
a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is
amazing," he muses. "What next?"
returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned,
and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to
"Tell me," she
begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many
months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean . .
" he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me
you've got Sky Sports as well"
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on
the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?”
No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher!
Three men were
sitting together bragging how
they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman
from Albania. He bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all
the washing up, laundry, dusting and cleaning the house. He said that
this would take a couple of days. On the third day he came home to a
clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away. The laundry
too had been done.
The second man
had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, washing up and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he did not see any results, but the next day
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done,
and he had a huge dinner on the table
The third man
married a girl from Britain. He boasted that he told his wife that her
duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said on the
first day he did not see anything, the second day he still did not see
anything, but the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could
see a little out of his left eye.
was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was
beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing
voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my
routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement,
"Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee.
simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee,
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly
at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back,
"Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut-up and let me play my second
He had been dating his wonderful girlfriend
for over a year, and decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering him...It was her beautiful younger sister. His future
sister-in-law was just twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and never a
bra. She would regularly bend down when she was near him, and he always got
more than a generous view of her cleavage. It had to be deliberate. She
never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day his fiancé's "little" sister called and asked him to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she
whispered that she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn't
overcome. She told said she wanted to make love to him just once before he
got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
He was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the
stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. He opened the door, and headed straight towards the car.
Lo and behold, her entire family was standing outside, and when he appeared
they all started clapping!
With tears in his eyes, the future father-in-law hugged him and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story? ………………. Always keep your condoms in
cabbie picks up a Nun,
she gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First you must be
single and second, you must be Catholic. "The cab driver is very excited and
says "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear
child," said the nun, why are so upset?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican
and because they are ‘The Seven Dwarfs’ they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for
you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and
gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks
for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns
around and silences them all with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the
Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, Are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The
Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey slept with a penguin! Dopey slept with a penguin"
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis
after a few spliffs they
run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads
more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a
couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them
into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who
lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes
go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his
friends and asks,’ So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made
a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma’.